This is my life

Student (from behind me as I am standing in the doorway facing the hall, classroom behind me with five minutes left in the day):  Mrs. Carlucci we've got a big problem.

Me (turning around thinking what could possibly be the problem when I have had my back to the class for 1 minute):  What's the problem?

Student (holds up between thumb and forefinger a pair of underwear to my face and points to a yellowish/brownish spot in the middle of them and says nothing, just points)

Me (thinking is this really happening?):  Ok, put them down.

Student: I thought it was going to be a normal fart.

Me: Go to the bathroom and I will bring you a bag to out them in.

Me (standing outside bathroom): Here is a bag, are you going to be ok just wearing what you have on.

Student: Yes.

Student then leaves bathroom swinging clear Ziploc bag with said underwear like it is a lunchbox inside while strolling back into class. 

Me: Backpack. Backpack.

As I thought through this later a disturbing thought entered my mind.  The student approached me from behind while I was looking into the hall and had been standing there for a minute or two while kids were packing up.  So...either student took underwear off in class (???) similar to how one might take off a bra or student went to the bathroom earlier and had been carrying the underwear around for a minute in class....hmmm....

***********************************************************************

Parent to me during conferences while looking at own kid's writing:

Where does she learn this?  We've never talked about this.  I didn't teach her this.

Me:  Ummm...this is what we do during school.  This is what we talk about.  

************************************************************************

Student while inspecting fake jewels on my necklace with the intensity of Dwight Schrute:  Are these real?

Me: No.

Student: I didn't think so. It's probably made in China.

Me picturing Dwight inspecting CEO's roof on episode from a few seasons ago.

*************************************************************************

Student to another adult in the room who sometimes smells of smoke: You smell like IHOP.

*************************************************************************

From my teammate:

The students were supposed to write a fraction number story and answer it.  For instance here is a perfectly acceptable example:  There were fifteen cookies.  Five of them got eaten, what fraction got eaten? Answer: 1/3.

 But instead, here is what a student wrote:

There are 5 mini golf courses in Highlands Ranch.  There are 6 in Aurora.  There are 3 in Littleton.  There are 5 in Denver.  The courses in Highland Ranch have 30 holes.  The course in Denver has 21 holes.  The course in Aurora has 27 holes.  Which course would like to play at?

Answer: Littleton.

I love my job.